Do you struggle with constantly seeking the approval of others? Are you a perfectionist, volunteering for everything, doing so much that you end up exhausted and always putting yourself last? You might feel resentful when you feel taken advantage of because everyone knows that if they ask you, you will do it.

As I reflect on the times people have said to me, “You are such a people-pleaser,” I recall moments when I said yes when I shouldn’t have. I consider what emotions I felt, what thoughts I had, and how I behaved in those moments. Did I say yes out of guilt or a genuine desire to serve?

I’ve learned that in the past, my motivations for saying yes included:

1. Avoiding Disappointment: I would say yes to avoid letting people down.

2. Overestimating My Capacity: I would say yes while convincing myself I could handle the task, even if I weren’t sure how.

3. FOMO: I never wanted to miss out on anything (fear of missing out).

4. Love for People: I truly love people and said yes because helping others and making them feel loved and special fills me up.

5. Sharing Gifts: We should share our gifts. Mine included saying yes in many areas because I could see where there was a void and fill it.

Perhaps you’re like me and can think of moments when you sacrificed your well-being to ensure you said yes to everything asked of you. Have you ever found yourself in this kind of situation or position? Are you nodding your head now, thinking, ‘Yes, I relate’? If so, now is the perfect time to stop and consider:

1. When is people-pleasing a message that something needs shifting?

2. Can people-pleasing be a good thing?

People-pleasing is a message when we put our values aside and try to make everyone happy. These are the moments when we say yes only to gain the approval of others, perhaps because we don’t see our worth or are not secure in our ability to be clear about what we can do. Most of us constantly say yes and take on more than we should without realizing why.

I was there, but once I understood what I was doing and examined my attitude, I realized I wasn’t saying yes with a servant or kind heart. Instead, I was putting aside what I wanted to gain everyone else’s approval.

If we are trying to get people to like us, say yes, or do things to gain approval, we are not doing them for the right reasons.

On the other hand, I also see people-pleasing as a gift. Do you love people and want the best for them? Do you see the strengths in others and want to be kind to them? Serving and helping is a beautiful way to lift others. It’s wonderful to spend time with others and, in return, find joy!

The question is, can you give your time, energy, and resources without sacrificing your worth and values? The answer is 100% yes! When you love people and love to serve, you can also love yourself while setting clear and concise boundaries and saying no when necessary.

Here’s the key: When someone asks you to do something, it’s kind to yourself and them to be honest if you have a gut feeling that says NO. This is a sign that it’s truly a no. If you need a moment to process and think about it, that’s okay! Give yourself the time you need and let them know you will get back to them at a specific time once you’ve had a chance to see if you can fit it into your schedule. Even when you think, “HECK yeah, I would love to do that,” give yourself a moment to ensure it’s something you can fit into your schedule.

We are here for a purpose. Life is meant to be an adventure where we share our gifts and strengths with others. We are on this earth to do whatever we are called to do and be. We are created for connection, belonging, and being kind to others and ourselves.

As a recovering people-pleaser, it is okay to be there for others. We can do this by noticing their strengths, holding space, and walking alongside others. We can compliment, ask if we can offer support, or send a kind word when thinking of someone. You could buy the person in the line behind you a coffee or help someone at the grocery store put their shopping cart away. We can pause and take the time to listen when someone is sharing what is in their heart. Not only is this kind to them, but it’s also kind to you.

Remember that it is still important to have boundaries. Boundaries are not a wall of resentment and bitterness. Boundaries mean you respect yourself enough to know what you want in your life, what you are willing to do, and keep your word to yourself. They allow you to joyfully give more of yourself to the people in your life.

“When we are trying to please everyone, the only one who will remain unhappy is you.” — Elizabeth Parker.

So be aware and ask yourself who you are and what you value, accepting that you will not be able to please everyone. Surround yourself with people who want the best for you, who will encourage you to see your beauty, and who choose to release unkind, toxic relationships that do not recognize your worth and value.

A great question to ask yourself is: Am I a people-pleasing or loving person? Once you’ve answered that question, you can say yes to opportunities to help, love, and see the good in others and these qualities in yourself. Sharing your gifts without sacrificing yourself is key.

Let Your Light Shine ☀️

Nita 💛